Last night, I had this dream that I was up on this cliff–and there was rocky shore below me.  I think I might have been in Big Sur.  And up above me, there were birds and fireworks popping.  And I kept sticking my foot out…my arms out like wings.  And I kept hearing my Mama say, “Jump.”  More like a whisper, but loud and clear nonetheless.

Five weeks from today, I turn 31.  I’ve been aching for 31 for months now…please, please, please…let this year of the aftershock be over.  That’s what I’ve told myself…well, up until a month ago, when I realized–like I often do–I was just trying to get through.  Because, holy Hell has this been a shite year.  But in many ways, it’s been a profoundly positive year…despite the hurdles and hoop jumping.  I can honestly say I’m comfortable in my skin, probably for the first time in my life…and I know what I want and how to get there.  Getting there will take time, but I’m not wringing my hands anymore.

In the next few weeks, I’m going to do my annual life inventory thing that I do every year.  It’s weird because the fourth of July always feels a bit special to me.  It seems like major transitions tend to happen around this time.  And it usually gets me closer to love–in whatever form I need.  This year has been no exception, and I’m feeling incredibly emotional suddenly after weeks of a mostly even-keel.  Something in me wants to try, and I’m finding a whole new well of vulnerability I didn’t know existed.  And it’s suddenly much easier to be honest with myself about some of the more difficult-to-swallow things that happened this year.  But I feel like I’m healing…like, perhaps, this year…my 31st…and my fifth year without a Mama…will be the year that I am truly myself in every way.  Perhaps, this will be the year I leave it all behind. 

In any case, 31 will be the year this phoenix builds a home on her mound of ashes.   I know this much is true.

Dandelion-The Damnwells

Hey little stick around girl
I wanna know why
Why do you turn me outside?
Can’t you just turn around?
My money is on the heartbreak
My hands are on the wheel
Hey little kiss a while girl
Didn’t I see you cry?

Hey honey Saturday high
Even though it’s Monday night
I see you runnin’ ‘way girl
Runnin’ since your 16
My eyes are on the last page
Money’s come and gone
Hey honey what I want is
Whatever you gonna give
Whatever you gonna give
To me

I don’t wanna be a maybe
Baby let me drive you crazy
Wanna be your dandelion
Don’t you go and leave me stranded
I’m empty on my second hand and
So if you give me little time
I wanna be your dandelion

Hey little lonely smile girl
Singin’ behind your eyes
Destination’s never known but I’m always there on time
Money’s on the heartbreak
My hands are on the wheel
Hey honey what I want is
Whatever you gonna give
Whatever you gonna give
To me

I don’t wanna be a maybe
Baby let me drive you crazy
Wanna be your dandelion
Don’t you go and leave me stranded
I’m empty on my second hand and
So if you give me little time
I wanna be your dandelion

I don’t wanna be a maybe
Baby let me drive you crazy
Wanna be your dandelion
Don’t you go and leave me stranded
I’m empty on my second hand and
So if you give me little time
I wanna be your dandelion