A year ago, my life was really different.
I lived in a studio condo that had a view of the park along with purple and blue walls. I had just one little fur-baby. I was starting a new job in academia. I had a live-in boyfriend who had just announced he was moving back East, and that we were splitting up…but we had patched our lives back together…and for the time being, we were being civil. I was flailing around.
There were many things wrong with my life back then. My experience with TFA had left me feeling like a shell of myself. I felt hopeless, crushed, and lost. I didn’t know what my life had in store for me, but I do remember thinking that I didn’t know who I was without teaching to hold on to. I wasn’t excited about my new job. I felt trapped. I was scared. My health was not the best. I was still trying to get strong physically after a really rough year. Finances were iffy. I had outgrown my condo and the building I lived in. The one person I thought I could trust had betrayed me. I felt abandoned and triggered. I felt like I didn’t know myself and that I had lost myself. And it was December.
Last night, I was telling someone that I felt like this year was the second worst year of my life — save the year Mama died five years ago — for completely different reasons. But I also noted that it was probably the happiest year of my life. For all those really shitty, bad days, I had just as many good days. Inexplicably good. I found myself smiling and enjoying the little things. I appreciated my life and the people in it. I confronted my life. For so long, my life was some version of in-between. I was never too upset, but I was never happy either. This year, I was full-blown me. And, somewhere along the way, I healed. Somewhere along the way, I stopped running from myself and started being kinda fearless.
Despite it being a really terrible year in so many ways, I am so deeply grateful for it because I found myself again. I indulged my passions, and I let my life happen as it needed to. I was afraid, but I admitted my fear. I finally feel like I’m on the right path…like I know the path and I’m willing to do what it takes.
Somewhere along the way, I bumped into someone. I didn’t expect things to happen the way they did. He jokes that we sort of backed into one another. We were both Hell-bent on learning from our mistakes and being alone. We reached out to one another because of uncanny similarities when it came to love, and mostly, we just supported one another in figuring crap out. Somewhere along the way, it morphed into something else. I’ll admit, I freaked out a few times. I was really, really cautious. My last relationship really brought up a lot of stuff for me, and I was determined not to repeat mistakes.
The thing about this person is that he’s always been my friend, and I’ve no doubt he’ll always be that person for me. He genuinely cares about me and wants the best for me — no matter what that means. He’s been incredibly kind and patient when he probably should have run away screaming. He inspires me in so many ways. He makes me laugh. More than anything, he brings out the little kid in me. He seeks to understand me, not control me, and he never makes me wonder/worry/guess about what’s going on with him. It’s such a breath of fresh air and such a surprise.
A few weeks ago, we both discovered that this wasn’t simply a friendship…despite all our claims otherwise…or our delusions about what was really happening. Something changed, and it was a good something. Today, we were talking, and I just said…”maybe, we should change our status on Facebook.” It was sorta scary, but not too bad a feeling. It felt kind of good, actually, and natural. And it was reflective of what already was, but what hadn’t fully been publicly acknowledged. It’s so odd…how social networking changes how we announce such things, but it made sense to just make the change. I am not going to specifically blog about this, but I thought perhaps people should know part of why I’m happy these days.
I’m in some sort of relationship. I’m not sure exactly what it means. There are, of course, complications in terms of logistics and the FUTURE…but there are no complications in the fact that what we have together is simple and easy…the way I think romantic entanglements should be. It’s not complicated. For now, I’m not too concerned about what it means. I’m just happy. And I’m grabbing the joy when it finds me.

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